7 Mistakes To Avoid After the Act of Infidelity

 

Most people think that every act of infidelity leads to a break-up. While it is still the leading cause of divorce and break-up, 80% of couples actually stay together. Infidelity is no slap on the risk. It is one of the ultimate betrayals in a relationship. It is a pain that is unimaginable and that can take years to heal. This kind of disappointment leaves wounds that can reach the soul. When Infidelity hits a relationship, there is a tearing like that of a thousand stabbing knives. Words cannot describe the sting of it. Betrayal, abandonment, rejection, hurt, pain, guilt, shame, deceit, and more are just a few of the emotions that erupt, stopping a person dead in their tracks. Leaving them feeling numb, paralyzed, and confused.

However, a relationship can recover after infidelity, but most people never successfully recover because they refuse to put in the work it will take after the act!!

So, let me share some things to avoid in order to save your relationship. 

 #1. Show a Lack of Empathy or Remorse 

One of the first things to avoid is being insensitive or ingenuine. Not showing remorse or sorrow from the wounds you have cause is not only narcissistic, but it is disheartening. To trivialize the level of betrayal and damage can do more harm than good. While remorse is good, be sure there is a level of true repentance.

#2. Exemplifying the Same Patterns & Behaviors 

The next response to avoid recovering from infidelity is exemplifying the same behaviors. Any movements that look like what you were doing when you were cheating will trigger the emotions of the actual wound all over again. Stay away from having the phone glued to you, not disclosing your whereabouts, or answering questions if asked. Remember Trust has been broken and will take time to restore. 

#3. Trying to Rush a Persons Healing and Recovery Process 

 Healing will take time. If you are going to work through it, then you must support the hurting partner’s recovery process. You can’t wish they just get over it. The dangerous thing about hurting people is that you don’t get to determine how long it takes to recover. For this reason, Avoid assuming a person should be over it by now but be dedicated to the rebuild. Remember, if you can recover, Reinvations increase the value; meaning, the relationship could get stronger. 

#4. Defending the Other Person

Avoid defending the other person and not your mate. You know, when you mate talks about how wrong that person is, and you say, "don't talk about them, they're not like that". This sends people through the roof. NEVER defend the offending partner. If your mate calls out all types of names about that person, it is never your place to defend it. These words are coming from a place of hurt and betrayal.

#5. Sweeping it Under the Rug 

One of the biggest mistakes that must be avoided after an infraction like infidelity is, "trying to avoid talking about the hurt partner’s feelings or the situation". You know, that passive-aggressive behavior or the efforts to discard the matter at hand. This is a form of rejection and it doesn't eliminate the problem. It will be right there waiting for you when you’re ready to talk. It's called unresolved issues. This is not healthy for either party. It is also a narcissistic trail called deflecting.

#5. Not Cutting the Cord of the Other Relationship 

PLEASE, CUT THE CORD. One of the BIGGEST mistakes to avoid is, not fully disconnecting from the other party involved. If you want to save the relationship there should be “No Contact” (emails, text, social inboxing/messages, phone calls) NOTHING!! 

#6. Drip Effect 

Avoid releasing information little by little. This is dangerous and does more harm than good. I know one may feel they are protecting the other person, but it actually hurts them more. I suggest you do what I call the Wax Effect (Let it ALL out). Disclosing everything at once is better than bit by bit. The initial shock will be great, but the healing process will start all at the same time. The withholding of information can result in the partner finding out new stuff on their own. This causes the wound to be continuously poked which leads to bleeding. It causes one to restart or delay the process of recovery.

Side Note: During the “Disclosure and Discovery Process” try to understand that the hurt partner may say things from a place of hurt, anger, and confusion. Allow them time to process. They may not truly mean everything they are saying. They're simply responding from a place of pain. (e.g. If you slam your hand in a car door, you will respond as a reaction to the pain without consciously thinking of what you said).

#7. Avoid Rejecting Reject Help

When it comes to relationships, most cultures teach to keep their business in their home. Which means counseling or therapy is usually not an option. This is not always good. Please avoid being closed off to getting help!! Both parties will have a healing process that looks different. While the hurt partner may be dealing with betrayal, hurt, anger, and disappointment; the other partner may have to face guilt, shame, and even a level of hurt and disappointment with themselves as well. Seek professional help. It will help you through it.

Infidelity is an extremely hard hit that will reshape your entire relationship. It will put your relationship through an array of emotions that can leave you feeling paralyzed. It will take prayer, counseling, time, patience, and God to recover properly. If you want to work it out, it can be done; but it will take some work.

XOXO, 

Dr. Amy Rucker 

The Relationship Doctor